The Language Of Legitimate Praise
Today’s blog has to do with this post, originally by @teachwithbronte on Instagram, and it immediately caught my attention because in reimagining manhood, we have to level up our ability to authentically and honestly praise one another. For too long, we’ve settled for the quick “good job” or the high five, and while those are fine, too often we stop there. We haven’t built the habit of sharing genuine reasons we are impressed by one another, and going deeper has too often been framed in male spaces as “soft” or worse.
As coaches, we can fall into this trap too. We can underfeed our players legitimate praise—not fake hype, not empty compliments, but real, specific acknowledgment of what they are doing well. This is not to say these nine examples are perfect must-uses for you and your staff tomorrow. That’s not really the point. The point is that just skimming them should at the very least get your brain moving. What actually fits your voice? Which of these sounds like something you would genuinely say? Which could become a launchpad for phrases you create yourself?
I also think there’s something valuable in the shock value of using one of these with your guys for the first time. You say something like, “I love how you explained your thinking,” and you may immediately get, “What the heck does that mean, Coach?” Honestly, that’s perfect. Now you have a conversation. Now you’re not just praising effort, you’re teaching language, reflection, and meaning.
That’s modeling emotional growth. That’s connection building. That’s helping young men get more fluent in how they see and speak value in one another. Easy win-win.
Coach Prompts
How often is your praise specific instead of generic?
What kinds of growth do you notice but rarely say out loud?
What phrases sound authentic in your voice?
Player Prompts
What kind of praise actually means something to you?
When has someone named something specific you did well?
What’s harder for guys: giving praise or receiving it?
If The Human Is Struggling, So Is The Player
This isn’t the flex this post thinks it is.
Why?
Because of this line:
“The only thing I care about is this: Are you going to produce in between those white lines when we play this season?”
That, from this particular coach, says everything you need to know about the blind spot he has. Sure, at the Division I level, getting a player to perform on game day is a huge part of the job. No one is disputing that. But the idea that you can somehow separate his production from his humanity is where this framing loses me.
If a young man is operating under the belief that his worth is tied to the things this coach claims not to care about — followers, rankings, metrics, offers — then you are never going to reach the underlying force that is actually driving him.
You won’t reach what motivates him.
You won’t reach what destabilizes him.
And you certainly won’t reach what needs to change in order for growth to happen.
The post later moves into failure and the importance of having a plan for when things on the diamond get hard. That part is sound. Players absolutely need to be prepared for adversity.
For going 0-for-4.
For sitting the bench.
For getting booed.
But doesn’t that same logic require the coach to have plans and processes in place for when the human is struggling? Because if the player is lost in a world of looks-maxing, stat-maxing, and manosphere-style self-valuation, doesn’t it become the coach’s responsibility to have some strategy in place to interrupt that approach when it starts costing him performance? If that worldview is driving the slump, then you can’t coach the slump without coaching the worldview.
That’s the blind spot.
This myopic vision of what coaches do — and what supposedly “isn’t our job” — is exactly why TeamsOfMen exists. The man matters. How he feels. How he interprets the world. How he believes he is supposed to move through the world. That directly impacts how he plays.
Those things are intertwined.
And so is how you coach with how you operate as a person. You don’t get one without the other.
Coach Prompts
What parts of your players’ humanity are you pretending don’t affect performance?
What beliefs about worth and identity are driving their play?
Do you have a process for when the person is struggling, not just the athlete?
Player Prompts
What do you believe your worth is tied to right now?
How does how you feel off the field impact how you perform on it?
What happens to your confidence when success is your only identity?
What Arizona Planned For
Today’s blog was inspired by this postgame quote from Arizona Head MBB Coach Tommy Lloyd after their Sweet 16 win. This time of year always creates an internal wrestling match for me as a coach.
March Madness is so tempting.
When you watch success on the biggest stage in college basketball, it is incredibly easy to start trying to steal whatever you think led to that success. Was it the BLOB with five seconds left? Was it the halftime adjustment to go zone instead of man in the upset game? Was it the roster construction of the Regional Champs that now suddenly becomes the blueprint — length above everything else, shooting at every spot, veteran guards?
Part of me always wants to study it like film and immediately ask, What do I need to take from this for my own program? And another part of me wonders if sometimes it’s okay to just sit back and enjoy the game for the entertainment it is, without immediately turning every possession into a coaching clinic. That back-and-forth lives in me every March.
But this quote from Coach Lloyd hit differently because it was about emotional regulation. It was about planning for the human moments that can lose you a game just as quickly as a busted coverage or bad late-game set.
He talks about how they had identified moments during the season where games started to tilt toward a melee, where emotional chippiness could derail what they were trying to do, and how they built a plan for responding to that.
That, to me, is refreshing.
So many coaches will have twenty late-game “special situation” packages and rehearse those over and over. But Arizona correctly identified that getting emotionally triggered into a stupid foul, a retaliatory shove, or a technical was just as vital to winning as a late-game home run set. And they built reps around it. They planned for it. They practiced it.
That’s exactly the philosophy behind our Meet The Moments work at TeamsOfMen.
We have built an entire Meet The Moments progression for teams to use in the first three weeks of any season so your staff is thinking about these exact kinds of non-scheme situations that still decide games.
What happens when a player gets taunted?
What happens when the officials miss three calls in a row?
What happens when frustration spills into confrontation?
What happens when a player wants revenge more than the next possession?
Because character under pressure is just as trainable as execution under pressure.
Kudos to the Wildcats for showing on a national stage that values, preparation, and emotional readiness are not separate from winning. They are winning.
Coach Prompts
What emotional moments in games repeatedly hurt your team?
What do you rehearse that isn’t Xs and Os?
How do your players respond to taunting, missed calls, or chippy play?
Player Prompts
What game moments make it hardest for you to stay composed?
How do you usually react when an opponent tries to get under your skin?
What helps you reset after a frustrating play or call?
The Monster He Named
UCONN Head MBB Coach Dan Hurley (along with UCLA’s Mick Cronin) has become a frequent flashpoint in the coaching world—and for us here at TeamsOfMen. Hurley has won two national titles while displaying a sideline demeanor that at best is called “intense,” and at worst is clear emotional dysregulation and explosion. To his credit, he has been open about trying to regulate himself and reflect on his antics, but then is just as likely, as in this week’s press conference, to double down on what he believes is “hard coaching” in preparation for a “cruel world.”
In many ways, Hurley is the case study for this work. Can a coach be aware that parts of his behavior may be causing harm, but still believe those same behaviors are necessary because they’ve led to success? He is championed by the X’s and O’s crowd who see him as elite schematically, and also by coaches who would love the freedom to act however they want on the sideline and point to winning as justification.
In this recent press conference, you can hear him wrestling in real time. He answers a question about “hard coaching” by saying that we’ve “gotten soft” and that the teachers and coaches who impacted us most were the ones who pushed us, who made us do the work, who demanded more. On the surface, that idea isn’t problematic. But it starts with a Manbox entry point—“we’ve gotten soft”—which immediately frames any alternative approach as weak or unacceptable. Once that framing is in place, it becomes much easier to justify anything that follows.
Even the teacher example is telling. Yes, great teachers challenge you and hold standards. But do we really think those teachers were screaming, “you mf, you’re not getting a free pass on this test” when they handed it out? The idea of “hard” gets distorted from accountability and rigor into emotional volatility and aggression, and those are not the same thing.
What you’re really hearing underneath it is a familiar belief system: “I was pushed hard, maybe even treated harshly, and that’s why I became who I am.” And because of that, it becomes not just acceptable, but necessary to repeat. That’s the loop.
The most telling part of the interview comes later when he says, “They know I love them… there’s a lot the media doesn’t see… we laugh, we joke, we make fun of each other… sometimes you just see the monster.” That’s where it gets real. Because now you’re seeing a coach who wants connection, who wants to be a positive presence in his players’ lives, but is still defining that connection through old scripts. “We joke and make fun of each other” is often the stand-in men use for real connection, not proof of it.
And then there’s the line: “sometimes you just see the monster.” He names it. He gives it a separate identity. He acknowledges it shows up. He knows the outside world sees it. But the question that lingers for me is this—why can’t he say that his players see it? Why is the existence of that “monster” balanced out by laughter on a bus ride or joking in practice? Why is that considered enough?
That’s why Hurley is such a powerful case study. This isn’t someone unaware. This is someone aware, and still stuck in the tension between what he knows and what he’s always done.
And honestly, I’m grateful he’s sharing like this, because it shows a real journey in self-awareness. I just wish more of the conversations around him lived in this space of deeper analysis, instead of defaulting to the easy applause of “that’s hard coaching—it wins.”
Coach Prompts
Where are you aware of behaviors that don’t align with your values—but still justify them?
What parts of your coaching are rooted in “this is how I was coached”?
How do you define “hard coaching” vs harmful delivery?
Player Prompts
What’s the difference between being pushed and being disrespected?
How do you know when a coach actually cares about you?
Does joking and making fun of each other equal connection?
Not The Flex You Think It Is
Today’s blog is in response to this viral quote from newly hired Providence Head MBB Coach Bryan Hodgson at his introductory press conference.
My immediate recoil is NOT about his wife. Not her appearance. Not her age. Not their relationship. A lot of the comments under this post went there. That’s personal. That’s out of bounds for me.
What isn’t out of bounds?
The comment itself.
Because to me, it’s an indicator of something deeper.
Here’s a man who has reached a high level in his profession — status, salary, opportunity — and is still feeling the need to appeal to the scoreboard of the Manbox to prove he belongs.
“I can do this job… because look at the conquest of my wife.”
That’s what’s being said underneath it. And that’s not a flex. That’s a self-loathing sentence wrapped up as a brag. It frames his relationship as a recruitment win. A campaign. A mission accomplished, instead of what it actually should be — a mutual journey with a life partner.
And then it goes a step further.
It subtly equates recruiting young men with that same logic:
“If I could land her, I can land them.”
That’s not the own people are celebrating it as. That’s a worldview. And if that worldview holds? Then “trophies” — surface-level wins, optics, status markers — will be the measurement of success in his program.
Not growth. Not humanity. Not development.
I hope I’m wrong.
But this is the kind of sentence that tells you a lot more than people think.
Coach Prompts
What “scoreboards” are you still trying to win approval from?
Where have you equated success with optics instead of substance?
How do you talk about your personal relationships in front of players?
Player Prompts
What does it mean to treat someone like a “trophy”?
Where do guys learn to connect success with women?
What’s the difference between partnership and possession?
You Don’t Need To Say It… But You Better Understand It
Today’s blog is about this list of “slang” terms in the graphic above.
Quick disclaimer:
I don’t know if all of these are still 2026 current, or already “old” in terms of how fast language moves.
What I do know is I’ve heard a lot of them — in my house (19, 17, and 13) and in my high school team room.
Now, I don’t know that it’s in a coach’s best interest to try and memorize these and use them. Kids will sniff out inauthenticity immediately. You running around yelling “main character energy” might get you a few laughs… but not the kind you’re aiming for.
But where this does matter? Your ears.
What are your players actually saying in those side conversations? Those small huddles that erupt in laughter? Are they talking about things we’re good with? Or are they reinforcing things that don’t align with the standards we claim in our program?
There’s also a fun entry point here.
Put this list up for your team.
Then ask you — or a brave member of your staff — to translate it into what your generation used.
Because let’s be honest: We were all young once. We all had slang. And we all thought the adults around us were out of touch.
Example:
I see “cooked” on here.
We used to say “toast.”
Same idea. Different era.
And here’s the real opportunity. Once you’ve got them laughing… Once the guard is down… Pick one of these terms. Not ten. Not the whole list.
One.
And run it through a TeamsOfMen lens. What does it mean? What does it reinforce? Is this something we actually want in our team language? Because language isn’t just communication. It’s culture. And if we’re serious about shaping culture…
We have to pay attention to what’s being said when we’re not the ones talking.
Coach Prompts
What language shows up most in your team’s informal conversations?
Are you aware of what your players are reinforcing with their slang?
Where have you tried to “fit in” instead of simply understanding?
Player Prompts
What slang do you and your friends use most often?
What do those words actually mean beyond the surface?
Do some phrases normalize things you don’t really agree with?
This Is What They Took With Them
At our post season awards banquet, my varsity players presented me with a thank you card and gift certificate for the season.
I was moved by it — not just because of what it said, but because of what it revealed.
And I’m not going to share the actual picture or their exact words.
Because they signed their names to that card with an unstated agreement:
“Coach Kip will read this… and Coach Kip only.”
Not the whole world.
And if I’m going to stand in front of them and preach about consent — about respecting what is shared, when it’s shared, and who it’s shared with — then I have to live that.
Some things are given. Some things are not. That matters.
Anway, back to what hit me.
The card speaks to what they felt I provided them as men.
And even if part of it was them “telling me what I wanted to hear”… it still matters.
Because it shows they know what I prioritize as a coach.
They didn’t write about wins. They didn’t write about stats. They didn’t write about playing time. They wrote about being pushed to be better people. About growth. About becoming a better version of themselves.
And that’s the reflection that stuck with me:
Your players may not always live it yet…
But they know what you stand for.
They know what you emphasize.
They know what matters in your space.
The question is — if your team wrote you that card… What would it say?
Coach Prompts
If your players wrote you a note today, what themes would show up?
What are you consistently reinforcing — intentionally or not?
Are your players clear on what matters most in your program?
Player Prompts
What has your coach actually taught you beyond the game?
When has a coach pushed you to grow as a person?
What do you think your coach values most?
What Actually Breaks the Manosphere’s Grip
Today’s blog is in response to an article in The Conversation by Joshua Thorburn and Steven Roberts titled “Men can get out of the manosphere. Here’s what former incels say about why they left.”
Full credit for the share goes to a friend of ours, Dennis J. Barbour, Esq. (President and CEO, Partnership for Male Youth; Newsletter Editor).
Why this article for today?
Because it speaks directly to one of the HOPES we have at TeamsOfMen—that if you embrace this work in your coaching, you can help a player ESCAPE the manbox. But it also forces us to sit with two harder questions:
WHY do they get pulled into it in the first place?
And WHAT actually helps them get out?
I won’t lay out the entire article here (we live in an algorithm-dominated world—these authors need their clicks, so go give it to them), but two points hit hard.
First:
“A growing body of evidence suggests many men first encounter these communities during periods of insecurity or loneliness.”
And isn’t that exactly what we claim our SPORT is supposed to combat?
“Join us and you’ll get a family.”
“Play here and you’ll get brothers for life.”
But have we actually vetted our spaces to see if that’s true?
Second:
“Positive interactions with women, supportive friendships, or simply observing that relationships in the real world do not follow the rigid rules promoted online… can begin to undermine the worldview.”
Read that again.
Not lectures. Not punishments. Not one-off talks.
Experiences. Environments. Daily interactions.
If your program creates spaces—team room, bus, bench—where: emotional fluency is practiced, women, minorities, LGBTQ+ individuals are respected and celebrated and connection is real, not performative…it can counter the harmful ideology of the manbox.
That’s not theory. That’s proof.
The question is:
Are you creating that…or leaving space for something else to fill it?
Coach Prompts
Where are my players experiencing real belonging—and where are they not?
What messages about manhood are reinforced daily in my program (intentionally or not)?
Would an outside observer say our environment challenges harmful beliefs… or ignores them?
Player Prompts
When I feel insecure or alone, where do I go for answers?
What do I hear about women, relationships, and being a man from the people around me?
Do the spaces I’m in help me grow… or just help me fit in?
Would Your Players Say This About You?
Today’s blog is a POSITIVE REFUELER from TeamsOfMen.
I know I spend a lot of time writing about the ways coaches—and the male athletes they serve—can get trapped in the Manbox and cause harm.
But this…
This is the other side of the work.
The postgame press conference from Howard University men's basketball seniors—speaking at length about the impact their head coach, Kenneth Blakeney, had on their humanity—is refreshing.
It speaks to the WHY behind this work.
It speaks to the delayed scoreboard we tell you about—the one you have to learn to value if you choose this path.
And it speaks to something a lot of us struggle with:
Sometimes getting your “flowers” has nothing to do with the scoreboard.
In this case, Howard had earned a trip to the Big Dance…
And this moment still came AFTER a loss to Michigan Wolverines men's basketball.
That matters.
Because it reframes what “winning” actually looks like.
I encourage you to watch it.
And then ask yourself—honestly:
Would my guys say this about me?
Should they say this about me?
Have I earned this?
And then make moves based on your answers.
Coach Prompts
What do your players value most about your leadership—effort, results, or how you treat them?
If your season ended tomorrow, what would your seniors say about you when you’re not in the room?
Where are you chasing scoreboard wins at the expense of long-term impact?
Player Prompts
What makes a coach someone you respect—not just someone you play for?
How has a coach impacted you beyond basketball?
What would you say about your coach if they weren’t in the room?
Appalling… But Not Surprising
Today’s blog is in response to an exploration of a horrific incident involving a high school boys program in Washington. I won’t rehash the details here—you can find those yourself.
What I will say is this:
It’s appalling… but NOT surprising.
“How can you say that, Kip?”
Because I’ve lived in, studied, and worked to change the reality of how young men—when in groups—police one another into the trappings of the Manbox. I KNOW the extent to which they will go to PROVE THEIR MANHOOD to each other. And in doing that, the things they are willing to DO TO ONE ANOTHER to solidify their status.
This doesn’t start with a moment like the one in the headlines.
It starts with what gets laughed at.
What gets ignored.
What gets excused.
What never gets talked about.
As coaches, we have to intentionally talk, model, and mandate that our spaces can identify the Manbox—and reject what it teaches.
Because if we don’t…
If we don’t level up the words our players use,
If we don’t challenge the lie that “being an alpha” is something to prove,
If we don’t teach them to see the humanity in others—especially those most often targeted in male spaces—
Then we are not neutral. We are allowing something to grow.
“Kip, you’re being dramatic…”
Ask the coaches in that program if they would have said the same thing when their season started. If you’re not sure how your team would respond in a moment like this… that’s the work.
This is the type of work we don’t just talk about—we build plans around—at the 3rd Annual Active Agent Summit.
Your team room can either be a launchpad for growth… or a space where harm goes unchallenged.
Coach Prompts
What gets laughed at in your team space right now?
When was the last time you directly challenged harmful language or behavior—and what happened after?
If something serious happened in your locker room, who would your players go to first?
Player Prompts
What does “proving manhood” look like in your friend group or team?
What’s something you’ve seen or heard that didn’t sit right—but you didn’t speak up about?
Who sets the tone in your locker room—and how do they do it?
How Deep Does the Conditioning Go?
This visual — originally posted by Terre des Femmes in partnership with Miami Ad School — is a powerful tool for gauging just how deeply Manbox conditioning has permeated your team room.
As a coach, you will need to set up anonymity for the individual responses you collect in this session if you want real answers from your guys. A Google Form, Poll Everywhere, or even handwritten responses on equal-sized slips of paper could all work.
There are deeper reflection questions you can ask from this graphic:
What does this visual want you as a man to realize?
What Manbox-inspired ideas is it challenging?
What does it reveal about how women are judged before they even speak?
But I think those questions need to come after a harder one.
Ask them first:
There are 8 “notches” of judgment on this scale. How many of them do you think accurately reflect what a group of male athletes your age would say if they saw that much leg on a girl based on what she wore to school that day?
That’s the question you might be tempted to avoid.
Because if you ask it honestly, you may hear things you do not want to hear.
And not wanting to hear them is exactly why the question matters.
Their responses will reflect not only the work you still have to do — but also what you may have been allowing, intentionally or unintentionally, to grow in your spaces.
That’s the uneasy pain we have to be willing to process as coaches.
Because if we want to combat the symptoms, we have to be willing to face the roots.
Coach Prompts
What question are you most tempted to skip because the answers might indict your culture?
How do you create anonymity without creating distance from accountability?
What might your players’ answers reveal about what has been normalized in your space?
Player Prompts
What assumptions do guys your age make about girls based on clothing?
Why do you think those assumptions feel so normal?
What does this graphic expose about how women are judged?
IS THIS REALITY — OR A STORY YOU’VE BEEN TAUGHT TO BELIEVE?
Okay, today’s blog is a nuanced topic and probably requires you, the coach, to either know the maturity level of your group or give a disclaimer that the conversation will include sexual references and innuendo.
The clip above is of an unidentified young woman in a house (we have no idea if it’s hers or not) twerking to the camera for 10 seconds, under a caption claiming that “some NBA or NFL player will lose half his salary to this.”
I purposely included the first two comments because they reveal a type of misogyny and distrust of women that is very prevalent — not just among male athletes, but among the fans of male athletes as well.
The insinuation is clear:
Because she is attractive and can “shake her ass,” she must have already slept her way into that house, funded by some man she manipulated.
That belief system? It’s going to resonate in your team room. Honestly… it’s going to resonate with some of your staff too.
And yes — there are examples of relationships where a woman received significant money after a breakup or divorce with a high-earning athlete. Those examples are easy to find.
But they are not proof that this is the norm. They are not proof that your players should distrust all women. They are not proof that women are taught to deceive and take from men through sex. Those are tropes. And harmful ones.
Women should be allowed to be proud of their bodies.
Just like men are.
Women should be allowed to be sexual beings.
Just like men are.
And both should be held to the standard of a healthy relationship — one built on trust and understanding between the people actually in it.
This is a tough conversation to navigate. Because you are going to get hit with 100 versions of:
“Yeah, but…”
“What about…”
“Isn’t it true that…”
And layered on top of that, our young men have grown up with instant access to sexualized content. So it becomes very easy for them to believe:
“This is the norm.”
“This is what my girlfriend should be doing.”
“This is what I should be chasing.”
I’m not going to pretend that even after 15+ years of doing this work I would execute this conversation perfectly.
That’s not the point. Because this work is rarely black and white. There isn’t always a clean, comfortable line between right and wrong. There is a lot of gray here.
And creating the space for honest dialogue?
That’s just step one.
Coach Prompts
What assumptions did you immediately make watching this clip?
How often do conversations about women default to distrust in your team space?
How do you help players separate examples from norms?
Player Prompts
What did you assume about this woman when you first saw the clip?
Where do those assumptions come from?
Do viral clips show reality, or a version designed to get attention?
If You Won’t Talk About This, Who Will?
Today’s blog is in reaction to this Instagram post from @real_toons and its framing of long-term relationships and intimacy.
The focus here on COERCION vs CONSENT is so needed for the young men in your program AND for the adult men on your staff as well.
I won’t spoil the whole cartoon, because honestly the post itself is a ready-made slideshow you can swipe, pause, discuss, and swipe again (rinse and repeat) with your program. But in essence it portrays something very real: what happens in committed relationships when one partner is feeling a certain way about sex and the other partner is on the opposite page.
This is going to happen to every single player on your team at some point in life.
Even the suggestions from the friend — including his solution of “just hit the HUB” (a reference to Pornhub) — are rooted in what many of your players would actually hear from a confidant. For a lot of young men, porn is presented as the obvious solution when they’re “horny” or “ready” and their partner isn’t. So the cartoon isn’t unrealistic. If anything, it’s uncomfortably accurate.
Which brings us to the real questions for coaches.
Is the content too real for you?
Is the subject matter off limits in your space?
If YES is the answer to either of those, then we have to ask something uncomfortable:
Can you really claim your program is preparing young men for life?
Do you really have the kind of genuine relationships with your players that we as coaches say we want?
If NO, and you agree these conversations matter, then the next question becomes:
What’s stopping you? Parent concerns. Administrative hesitation.Your own confidence in leading conversations like this. Those barriers are real.
And they are exactly why TeamsOfMen exists.
Let’s talk.
Coach Prompts
Have you ever discussed coercion vs consent with your players?
What messages about sex and relationships do players get from their peers?
Where are young men learning how to handle sexual rejection?
Player Prompts
What is the difference between consent and coercion?
Why do some people keep asking after someone has already said “no”?
Where do guys get their expectations about sex and relationships?
A 15-Year-Old Girl Just Showed You The Opponent’s Playbook
Today’s blog is in response to this series of images from a Guardian Instagram post.
Why should coaches of male athletes care enough to read them AND be moved enough to bring them up in their team spaces?
First, because it gives you an interpretation of the words I KNOW we hear our guys use. They most likely don’t say these things directly to you, but don’t fool yourself — if you walk by your team room and they don’t know you’re there, you will hear one if not more of these.
Second, because it is a direct plea from a young woman who is impacted by the world our players’ words and actions are shaping.
Ignoring this would be like ignoring your opponent leaving their playbook and calls on your bench before the game.
“Here, Coach — you want to know what all our calls and hand signals mean? Oh, and by the way, you can also find in this binder the ways we think we can break down your defense and win the game.”
You would absolutely use that folder of information.
This is a far more important folder.
For a far more important game.
Coach Prompts
What language do you think your players use when coaches aren’t around?
Have you ever created space for girls’ perspectives to enter your team discussions?
If a young woman told your team this directly, how would they respond?
Player Prompts
Have you heard language like this from other guys online or in person?
Why do guys say things around their friends they wouldn’t say in front of women?
What impact do you think these words have on girls your age?
Honesty Isn’t The Same As Humiliation
Today’s TeamsOfMen blog is in response to this post.
I’ll be honest — part of me really resonates with it.
And another part of me wants to point to it and say, THIS false binary framing is exactly why coaching is in dire need of reform.
First, where I agree.
There is a real truth here: when you deliver criticism to a player — whether it’s about something they did on the court or something they did away from it — you are putting the harmony of your relationship at risk.
Often times we as coaches are the only adults in a young person’s life who will tell them they are falling short somewhere.
That’s hard.
And it often comes with tension for a while after those hard truths are delivered.
But here’s where I think we as coaches sometimes hide behind this idea.
We lean on the old script of: “I say what I say and if it hurts your feelings, so be it.”
And that’s not coaching honesty. That’s laziness. You can build relationships that can handle calls for growth.
But that requires intentionality.
You can deliver critique without f-bombs. Without personal attacks. Without humiliation.
At the same time, you can also build your players’ resilience so they can hear hard truths without collapsing or shutting down.
Both things can be true. But they require practice. They require reps. They require time.
And maybe that’s the real shift coaching needs to make.
Maybe you don’t need that extra 20 minutes of film today. Maybe you use that time to start building the type of team culture where players understand:
“We love each other enough to tell the truth here.” And because we claim that… we have to practice it.
Coach Prompts
How do you currently deliver hard truths to players?
Do your players trust that criticism is coming from care?
What structures exist in your program to practice receiving feedback?
Player Prompts
What’s the difference between honesty and disrespect?
When someone critiques you, how do you usually react?
What helps you trust that criticism is meant to help you grow?
A Day Devoted To Reimagining Manhood
Today’s blog is a plug for our upcoming 3rd Annual TeamsOfMen Active Agent Summit on April 18th here in Salem, Oregon.
https://www.teamsofmenmembership.group/t-shirts-bundles/p/3rdactiveagent
When we execute this event the way it’s meant to be executed, it is NOT a “sit quietly, take notes, and scroll your phone” lecture series.
It’s something very different.
It’s coaches in tears.
It’s coaches sharing the most challenging, the most powerful, and the most effective ways they’ve tried to create space in their programs for young men to grow as human beings.
It’s a room full of people — some veterans of this work, some first-year coaches completely overwhelmed by the concept — spending an entire day sculpting what it actually looks like to devote real calendar time for male athletes to reimagine manhood in the 21st century.
Yes, people stand in front of the room and share ideas.
But that’s only part of it.
You’ll also work with your staff and other coaches on actual plans for your team, your players, and your unique environment.
Yes, there’s food. Yes, there’s a coach social afterward. But what this Summit has that your average clinic doesn’t have is time and space to figure out what YOU want to do with YOUR guys.
Not someday. Not after the season. Right there in the room.
The goal is simple: You leave with a plan. Not inspiration. A plan.
Coach Prompts
When do your players actually have time scheduled to talk about life?
What intentional space exists in your program for young men to grow as humans?
What conversations are you avoiding because you don’t have a structure for them?
Where Coaches Export Their Stress
Today’s blog is a reaction to this post, which I find ideal for the work we do with TeamsOfMen.
Why? Because of how often we as coaches tell our players to “leave your shit at the door” before practice. “Focus. Lock in. Don’t bring the day’s distractions into the gym.”
And yet, if we’re honest, we as coaches are often just as ill-equipped — and sometimes completely unable — to unload the stress we carry from the rest of our lives.
When that happens, it shows up.
It leaks out. It bleeds all over our players and our staff during practice. They witness it. They absorb it.
And they are expected to simply deal with it.
Meanwhile, the modeling they’re receiving is emotional dysregulation: pressure builds, emotions get stuffed down, and eventually they explode onto whoever happens to be closest.
Then those same players go out into their own lives and repeat the pattern.
And very often, as the post suggests, the people who receive that overflow are the women closest to them — the partners, sisters, friends, and family members they claim to love.
There is only so much “grit your teeth” and “stuff it down” a person can do before it bursts out of their soul in words or actions that harm others.
The answer isn’t pretending we don’t feel stress.
The answer is learning how to process it.
As coaches, that means seeking out pathways and tools that allow us to regulate our emotions instead of exporting them onto the people around us.
And when we do that work ourselves, we leave breadcrumbs.
Breadcrumbs our players can follow. Because they’re already watching how we handle our lives. The question is whether we’re showing them suppression…or growth.
Coach Prompts
What stress are you carrying into your practices without realizing it?
Do your players see you regulate emotions — or explode them?
What tools do you personally use to process stress before it spills into your team environment?
Player Prompts
What does it look like when someone brings their stress into the room?
How do you usually deal with anger or frustration?
Have you ever taken your bad day out on someone else?
Beyond the Good Guy Narrative
Today’s blog is less a declaration about this graphic and more a suggestion list of ways you could grapple with it in your team room.
Because I know exactly what 15-year-old me, 20-year-old me, and even 30-year-old me would have thought when looking at the ratio the graphic suggests.
I would have leaned HEAVILY toward the first version.
The clean, simple binary: good men vs evil men.
Most of us want to believe the world is that simple.
But over a decade into this journey of reimagining manhood and escaping the Manbox through the work of TeamsOfMen, I now feel the power of the lower chart much more strongly.
The nuance. The uncomfortable middle ground. The idea that harm is often sustained not just by “monsters,” but by people who minimize it, excuse it, or passively allow it.
So here’s the exercise.
Start with your staff.
Ask them: What would your ratio actually be?
What percentage of men fall into each category?
Where would the debate start?
Where would the tension show up?
Then ask the same question of your players.
What percentages would they assign?
Would they even feel equipped to break the scale into multiple categories?
Or are they still operating inside the false binary most of us were raised with — the Hollywood paradigm of heroes vs villains?
Because if that’s the framework, then most young men will automatically place themselves in the “good guy” category and stop examining their role.
A simple entry point might look like this (Start with something familiar:
Write on the board:
Good Player vs Bad Player
Then ask them to break that apart. What other descriptions exist between those two extremes?Selfish teammate. Lazy defender. Great scorer but poor communicator. Leader in practice but disappears in games.
Let them build the middle.
Then introduce the graphic. And repeat the exercise. Because escaping the Manbox requires more than just condemning “bad men.” It requires understanding the full spectrum of behaviors that allow harm to continue.
Coach Prompts
How do you currently talk about harm among men — as a binary or a spectrum?
Where do most men instinctively place themselves on this chart?
What behaviors fall into the “passive encouragement” category in sports culture?
Player Prompts
Why do most people believe the world is just “good guys vs bad guys”?
Where do people fall when they stay silent about harmful behavior?
Can someone see themselves as a good person while still contributing to harm?
The Headlines Start Somewhere
Today’s blog is less a deep dive into this scandal — revealed by ESPN about the men’s basketball program at Cal State Bakersfield and an assistant coach allegedly trafficking women while working for the program — and more a plea to coaches who may still look at TeamsOfMen work with a side eye.
You know the line.
“Kip, this stuff you talk about… it’s not in our school, our university, our team room. We’ve got good guys.”
Yes.
You probably do have good guys.
And yet…
The belief systems that lead men to make horrible choices that harm others are still bubbling around your spaces.
Hopefully your young men — and your staff — have not acted on those outdated scripts the Manbox presents as “rules” of masculinity. But the scripts themselves are everywhere. They are cultural. They are persistent. And they are constantly being reinforced.
That’s why TeamsOfMen conversations exist.
Not because we assume the worst about the men in our rooms — but because we understand the forces that are shaping them.
By creating space for these conversations, you’re not accusing your players of future harm. You’re giving them tools to challenge ideas before those ideas turn into actions.
Because once the headline exists, the learning window has already closed.
The goal is to redirect our guys before the story becomes about our program.
The truth is the Manbox has tried to wire all of us to these ideas.
All of us.
Which means all of us — coaches included — have unlearning and critical thinking to do.
Coach Prompts
When you say “we’ve got good guys,” what exactly do you mean?
What conversations are happening in your program about power, sex, and respect?
Are you addressing harmful scripts — or assuming your players are immune to them?
Player Prompts
Where do men learn ideas about sex, power, and status?
What messages do athletes receive about women and success?
What responsibility do men have to challenge harmful behavior among other men?
Character Isn’t Measured In 40 Times
Today’s blog is about this post regarding Texas A&M WR KC Concepcion.
I’m fully aware that the mocking of him could be somewhat of a strawman — meaning the actual number of people cruel enough to post something heartless might be small, and my algorithm could simply be feeding me outrage bait.
But I’m writing about it anyway.
Because this one is personal.
I spent much of my formative years battling my own stutter. I had a regular speech therapist in elementary school. I was terrified of public speaking well into my twenties because there were certain sounds I literally could not get out of my mouth. Even today — 25+ years into coaching, educating, and speaking for a living — I still have moments where a word simply won’t leave without a fight.
So yes, I empathize with KC. And yes, I’m grateful to see the volume of people defending him.
But here’s why this matters for TeamsOfMen.
Cruelty vs. compassion is a choice.
And that choice will stare our players down individually — but even more powerfully when they’re sitting shoulder to shoulder in a team room.
Someone in a large group of young men WILL make fun of KC. Or of another kid who stutters. Or of someone who walks differently. Or reads slowly. Or struggles to get words out.
It will happen.
And in that moment, the group will have three options:
Co-sign it with laughter.
Encourage it with awkward silence.
Interrupt it in front of everyone.
That moment is a far greater test of character than finishing a conditioning test ever will be.
So I’ll ask you:
What steps are you taking — especially compared to the hours you spend designing workouts and practice plans — to prepare your guys to live up to their best selves in THAT moment?
Because we plan every rep in the weight room.
But do we plan for the rep when someone is being mocked for something they can’t control?
COACH PROMPTS
What happens in our locker room when someone imitates a stutter?
Do our leaders know how to interrupt mockery in real time?
Do we rehearse responses to disrespect the same way we rehearse press break?
If a player on our team had a speech impediment, would he feel safe in our room?
PLAYER PROMPTS
If someone in this room made fun of KC’s stutter, what would you do?
Is laughing the same as agreeing?
What’s harder — finishing a conditioning test or stopping your friend mid-joke?